Headache…pound, throb, hurt, can’t stand the noise, can’t stand the light, can’t stand my head. Aspirin doesn’t touch it. Sometimes analgesics work. Thump, Thump, Thump. I can’t get away from it. Put cold on it. That helps, but it’s still there. The caffeine is starting to work. It doesn’t hurt as much, but the pressure…yes the pressure is still there. I have relief, I still have a headache. Don’t feel like moving. Feel depressed in fact. Don’t want to think. I can’t think really. Want to sleep, but I’m not tired, thanks to the caffeine. I want to disappear, but I can’t, I have a headache. Every noise is so irritating. I don’t want to move. I don’t want this headache. It goes on for three days. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable I want to evaporate. Then it eases, but it still throbs. My eyes hurt. My skin hurts. My stomach is sick. I want to scream but that hurts. I sneeze and my head feels like it will blow apart. I wish it would and get it over with. I’m depressed. Nobody cares. No one should. I am not a winner like I grew up believing. I have talents no one wants. Please don’t let the phone ring, I’d have to move. I want to dissolve into nothing. I can’t kill myself; it would take too much effort. I’m a coward anyway. No one matters to me. Oh, my head. I’m a loser. I can’t win. I never win. I’m not worth the space I take up. I want to get out of that space, because it hurts. Not just my head hurts, I hurt everywhere. It’s not emotional. It is physical. I hurt everywhere but nowhere. Ice packs wouldn’t help. I’m hungry. I don’t care. Moving, well I know moving would help, but it hurts to move. I can’t see really. I’m too much inside myself. My head, my spirit is in there somewhere, but where? Looking deep for the spirit, maybe there’s some relief there. It hurts to pray. It hurts to think. Don’t think. All I can think of is I don’t like where I am. I can’t move. I can’t comprehend what I see and hear. It’s a black hole I am in and I can’t get out. I should get up and take the pill. I can’t move. I don’t want to move. I’m such a slug.
The headache it is gone, the pressure and pain are gone. I feel better. I still hurt. I can move. I can see. I can comprehend. I can move. Take the pill. Lie down to wait. Sleep. Awake. I don’t hurt. I can think. I can move. I am back. I am a child of God. My spirit is there. I can pray. I can give thanks. I work and produce. The next headache will come, but I don’t have to wait for it. I can function. I can hope.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Ring-a-ding-ding
I’m sitting by the phone. I’m waiting for it to ring. It isn’t. When it does ring, someone on the other end wants me to spend money. So for all intents and purposes the phone isn’t ringing, it’s mooching. I pay the bill, well I have until now, but since I’m not making any money right now (and Blogging doesn’t help much either)…I might not be doing that soon. Then the phone couldn’t ring. It’s not that it wouldn’t or shouldn’t but at that point it couldn’t. Ringing phones drive me nuts. I hate the noise and I usually don’t want to talk to whoever is on the other end. But I want it to ring now and it won’t. Why not? I pay good money for it to ring. When it does I’m getting nothing out of it but annoyances. So why won’t it ring for me?
When the phone rings at our house it used to be everyone would race to answer it. Now as the kids grow older the only person who really wants to answer the phone is my wife. It’s usually for her anyway. She has a lot of irons in the fire and everybody likes her. My oldest son has people he calls. But that isn’t usually constructive. Then when the youngest is home between him and his friends the phone is in constant use and ringing somewhere, but not for me, never for me. I don’t bother to get up anymore to answer it. I do have it sitting next to me during the day, hoping that it will ring. The only ring I want to hear right now is a multi-million dollar job offer. That won’t happen so a normal job offer would be a welcome ring.
When you think about it the phone ring is really a ring through your nose. It leads you around your life pulling you where it wants. I always thought a service was supposed to serve. Instead the phone ring dictates. Like a wedding ring when it rings you must be faithful and answer it, after all you paid for the thing. If you aren’t faithful and let it go to voice mail, you get the huffy who hang up after two rings, the people who have real and good reasons to call you, and those who hang up on the voice mail. Those who hang up on voice mail are the dregs of the world. They are too important to leave a message. I don’t want to talk to them anyway, so stop calling. Those who are too busy to wait for the four rings are too busy for me to care about, so I wish they would stop calling. Those who leave legitimate messages want to talk to my wife…so call her cell phone and leave me out of it.
I wish the phone would ring, but there are some conditions to it. I pay enough money for it that it needs to do its job…so I can have one. Otherwise, just don’t bother to call. My wife isn’t home anyway. She’s out working so we can pay for the phone I don’t want to talk on. I guess I’m paying for one phone call. You’d think the price would go down, it doesn’t. If the right phone call comes I can afford to keep the phone around, and eat, and have heat and all that fun stuff.
I wish the phone would ring. Any phone ringing would be nice, even the cell phone, which I never answer. Please don’t call me, unless you have a job for me. I’m too busy playing Bejeweled.
When the phone rings at our house it used to be everyone would race to answer it. Now as the kids grow older the only person who really wants to answer the phone is my wife. It’s usually for her anyway. She has a lot of irons in the fire and everybody likes her. My oldest son has people he calls. But that isn’t usually constructive. Then when the youngest is home between him and his friends the phone is in constant use and ringing somewhere, but not for me, never for me. I don’t bother to get up anymore to answer it. I do have it sitting next to me during the day, hoping that it will ring. The only ring I want to hear right now is a multi-million dollar job offer. That won’t happen so a normal job offer would be a welcome ring.
When you think about it the phone ring is really a ring through your nose. It leads you around your life pulling you where it wants. I always thought a service was supposed to serve. Instead the phone ring dictates. Like a wedding ring when it rings you must be faithful and answer it, after all you paid for the thing. If you aren’t faithful and let it go to voice mail, you get the huffy who hang up after two rings, the people who have real and good reasons to call you, and those who hang up on the voice mail. Those who hang up on voice mail are the dregs of the world. They are too important to leave a message. I don’t want to talk to them anyway, so stop calling. Those who are too busy to wait for the four rings are too busy for me to care about, so I wish they would stop calling. Those who leave legitimate messages want to talk to my wife…so call her cell phone and leave me out of it.
I wish the phone would ring, but there are some conditions to it. I pay enough money for it that it needs to do its job…so I can have one. Otherwise, just don’t bother to call. My wife isn’t home anyway. She’s out working so we can pay for the phone I don’t want to talk on. I guess I’m paying for one phone call. You’d think the price would go down, it doesn’t. If the right phone call comes I can afford to keep the phone around, and eat, and have heat and all that fun stuff.
I wish the phone would ring. Any phone ringing would be nice, even the cell phone, which I never answer. Please don’t call me, unless you have a job for me. I’m too busy playing Bejeweled.
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