The Nothing

Headache…pound, throb, hurt, can’t stand the noise, can’t stand the light, can’t stand my head. Aspirin doesn’t touch it. Sometimes analgesics work. Thump, Thump, Thump. I can’t get away from it. Put cold on it. That helps, but it’s still there. The caffeine is starting to work. It doesn’t hurt as much, but the pressure…yes the pressure is still there. I have relief, I still have a headache. Don’t feel like moving. Feel depressed in fact. Don’t want to think. I can’t think really. Want to sleep, but I’m not tired, thanks to the caffeine. I want to disappear, but I can’t, I have a headache. Every noise is so irritating. I don’t want to move. I don’t want this headache. It goes on for three days. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable I want to evaporate. Then it eases, but it still throbs. My eyes hurt. My skin hurts. My stomach is sick. I want to scream but that hurts. I sneeze and my head feels like it will blow apart. I wish it would and get it over with. I’m depressed. Nobody cares. No one should. I am not a winner like I grew up believing. I have talents no one wants. Please don’t let the phone ring, I’d have to move. I want to dissolve into nothing. I can’t kill myself; it would take too much effort. I’m a coward anyway. No one matters to me. Oh, my head. I’m a loser. I can’t win. I never win. I’m not worth the space I take up. I want to get out of that space, because it hurts. Not just my head hurts, I hurt everywhere. It’s not emotional. It is physical. I hurt everywhere but nowhere. Ice packs wouldn’t help. I’m hungry. I don’t care. Moving, well I know moving would help, but it hurts to move. I can’t see really. I’m too much inside myself. My head, my spirit is in there somewhere, but where? Looking deep for the spirit, maybe there’s some relief there. It hurts to pray. It hurts to think. Don’t think. All I can think of is I don’t like where I am. I can’t move. I can’t comprehend what I see and hear. It’s a black hole I am in and I can’t get out. I should get up and take the pill. I can’t move. I don’t want to move. I’m such a slug.
The headache it is gone, the pressure and pain are gone. I feel better. I still hurt. I can move. I can see. I can comprehend. I can move. Take the pill. Lie down to wait. Sleep. Awake. I don’t hurt. I can think. I can move. I am back. I am a child of God. My spirit is there. I can pray. I can give thanks. I work and produce. The next headache will come, but I don’t have to wait for it. I can function. I can hope.