I was fired on Friday the 13th. The date really wasn’t significant. But as I carried my things out to my car I got a hernia. When I got home I found out my son was arrested. Now that was a bad day. Bad days come in a variety of flavors. Bad days where you have a hard time at work seem to be the most common. People yell at you, or you can’t figure something out, or if you do its wrong. Then there is the bad day where things just don’t go right at home. The kids are rotten, the bills are too high, and maybe there was a fender bender. The real bad ones are the days where you or someone you know get hurt or die or something like that.
None of the bad days are good by definition. But some you can forget about and just move on. Others you have to live with for awhile. I especially don’t like those kinds of bad days. But then there are those like my Friday the 13th experience where they all combine. That’s called stress. The interesting thing is everyone wants to cheer you up and tries to make you feel like everything is fine. You smile and agree and say I hope so and thank you, when the truth of the mater is you just want to be angry for at least a day.
I mean really, don’t you deserve just one day to feel like a loser? A day where you can curse the cosmic realities of life and just say to hell with you all? I think you deserve that on a day like my Friday the 13th. You might even deserve 2 days. But then you have to get on with living on Monday the 16th. Look for a job, schedule surgery for the hernia, go bail your kid out of jail. But you at least deserve one day of being just plain angry at the world.
Now I know that isn’t productive, but it feels better by the time Monday comes around. During my pout session I did wonder if it would be allowed in heaven to pout when the harp polish runs out or if the wing clippings don’t get swept up from the clouds after the trim. Is pouting allowed in Heaven? Can you be fired from Heaven once you’re in? St. Peter from HR sits you down and says after reviewing your last miracle we’ve decided that this isn’t a good fit and so we are letting you go. You ask in a panic, “You don’t mean I’m going to hell?” St. Peter simply nods, and you ask, “Am I re-hirable?” St. Peter starts quoting chapter and verse from the Heaven handbook of standard operating procedures and lets you know that after only one millennia you may re-apply for angel ship, but that your permanent file will be retained for at least 7 millennia for legal purposes. They can’t have all those lawyers from hell knocking on their door without documentation.
Of course you could still apply for other positions, Guardian Angel is open occasionally, and so is benevolent ghost. But full fledged Angelhood will be very difficult. But Heaven does have a policy about hiring from within, so there is a chance of both lateral and even upward promotions. Unfortunately, though at this time, you are condemned to Hell for the time being. There is a spot in Limbo, or at least there was until the Pope decided to downsize and closed the department. So you won’t need to take your drink cup, it won’t be allowed down there anyway. Good luck and happy Friday the 13th.
You see, there is life after work, its the quality that is in question. So can you be angry in hell for a decade or two and pout, before you start applying for coal distribution director?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Progress to Where or Will I Ever Get There?
There I was the other morning, driving to work, listening to my CD, shooting the cars in front of me who decided to enforce the speed limit 5-10 miles under the limit (they travel in groups you know)...OK not literally shooting them...but pushing the off button for my cruise control and making shooting sounds (laser sounds of course), when suddenly we get stopped at a light which if we had traveled at or just 5 over the speed limit we would all have made...I looked over to the car on my right.
Now understand I am not anti female driver. I really am not. I find that there are a lot of good female drivers. My wife included. But this person in the car next to me was a female. She had her cell phone in one ear on her shoulder, she was using her left hand to put on makeup, while she was reaching into the back seat giving the baby a bottle. From the looks of her she's not one of those speed limit enforcers, but she is one of those traffic hazards that are wandering from right to left in her lane, going slower than the flow of traffic (not to mention the speed limit) and then she suddenly darts into your lane in front of you, because she decides she wants to be there instead of in the right outside lane.
Now this person is the same person who writes to the newspaper in the letters to the editor and complains that someone somewhere is thinking of putting a law on cell phone use. I say forget the phone, put a law against her driving. Because if she's not on the phone she's thumbing through her CD collection or playing with the radio dial, While combing her hair and handing the baby a cookie.
She of course objects to the law and also insists she has the right to drive the speed limit in the left lane. It is her right and she's going to do it, and she doesn't see that her driving is impaired at all. At this point an out of body experience might help her see what kind of driver she is. I'd love to have her sit in the passenger seat next to me while I drive behind her and the other two idiots in the other two lanes in front of me, keeping pace with her. You can't go around them, unless you go into the emergency lane. And each one has their own agenda. The enforcers are the ones who say they are going to obey the speed limit and by darn (they wouldn't ever say damn) so will you. They are pious and snooty. But when they need to butt in line in front of you they are also the ones most angry when you refuse to give ground. After all it is their right.
The guy in the other lane is wearing a hat...and is 90 years old and driving carefully, but trying desperately to keep up. These guys write to the editor and complain about all those cars whizzing past them...why can't people just slow down (tell that to my boss, they insist I come in on time. So why don't I leave early? I do. But when you get into one of these processions you might as well just waive to the passing crowd like you're in a parade...because you're going to be late no matter how early you leave. Then if you do get to work a little early...well I sit in the car and enjoy some more CD. Who wants to give the boss free time?).
Those are the good days. Now they are reconstructing a major intersection on my way to work. You know in all the years I've traveled through that intersection over 10 years...it's never been a problem or have a lot of back up...but in the wisdom of the traffic engineers they're going to try some new fangled intersection where at a certain time of day it goes one way and another time of day it goes the other. In the meantime, the traffic jams that never were happening are.
Can you imagine what will happen when they get done? Which way is which? What time is it now? What I see is a bunch of traffic jams and accidents...but it's all progress isn't it. I wish I were a flying squirrel.
Now understand I am not anti female driver. I really am not. I find that there are a lot of good female drivers. My wife included. But this person in the car next to me was a female. She had her cell phone in one ear on her shoulder, she was using her left hand to put on makeup, while she was reaching into the back seat giving the baby a bottle. From the looks of her she's not one of those speed limit enforcers, but she is one of those traffic hazards that are wandering from right to left in her lane, going slower than the flow of traffic (not to mention the speed limit) and then she suddenly darts into your lane in front of you, because she decides she wants to be there instead of in the right outside lane.
Now this person is the same person who writes to the newspaper in the letters to the editor and complains that someone somewhere is thinking of putting a law on cell phone use. I say forget the phone, put a law against her driving. Because if she's not on the phone she's thumbing through her CD collection or playing with the radio dial, While combing her hair and handing the baby a cookie.
She of course objects to the law and also insists she has the right to drive the speed limit in the left lane. It is her right and she's going to do it, and she doesn't see that her driving is impaired at all. At this point an out of body experience might help her see what kind of driver she is. I'd love to have her sit in the passenger seat next to me while I drive behind her and the other two idiots in the other two lanes in front of me, keeping pace with her. You can't go around them, unless you go into the emergency lane. And each one has their own agenda. The enforcers are the ones who say they are going to obey the speed limit and by darn (they wouldn't ever say damn) so will you. They are pious and snooty. But when they need to butt in line in front of you they are also the ones most angry when you refuse to give ground. After all it is their right.
The guy in the other lane is wearing a hat...and is 90 years old and driving carefully, but trying desperately to keep up. These guys write to the editor and complain about all those cars whizzing past them...why can't people just slow down (tell that to my boss, they insist I come in on time. So why don't I leave early? I do. But when you get into one of these processions you might as well just waive to the passing crowd like you're in a parade...because you're going to be late no matter how early you leave. Then if you do get to work a little early...well I sit in the car and enjoy some more CD. Who wants to give the boss free time?).
Those are the good days. Now they are reconstructing a major intersection on my way to work. You know in all the years I've traveled through that intersection over 10 years...it's never been a problem or have a lot of back up...but in the wisdom of the traffic engineers they're going to try some new fangled intersection where at a certain time of day it goes one way and another time of day it goes the other. In the meantime, the traffic jams that never were happening are.
Can you imagine what will happen when they get done? Which way is which? What time is it now? What I see is a bunch of traffic jams and accidents...but it's all progress isn't it. I wish I were a flying squirrel.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Lizard Lips
This past week reminds me of the little ditty from the play Paint Your Wagon…Ol’ Ben Rumson got married today, married today, married today. Ol’ Ben Rumson got married today. What’ll he do tomorrow? Substitute Nancy Pelosi for Ol’ Ben Rumson and “went to Syria” for “got married” and you see why this past week was one for the silly file. Let’s see now, who elected Nancy Pelosi Queen? The only thing I’ve seen her do well is lick her lips contemptuously behind the President during the State of the Union. Lizard Lips Nancy, elected by the weirdoes’ of San Francisco. And this is who the media wants to see buck the system and go negotiate world peace with Syria. Oh it is all a media stunt to be sure. If CNN and the rest ignored the trip she would not have been in bed with the Terrorist government of Syria. But then the media is always good for a laugh.
For instance, Vice President Cheney was picked as a graduation speaker at BYU. There are protests….at BYU. Of course that’s all fermenting from Rocky Anderson mayor of Salt Lake City and his desire to impeach somebody, anybody. He’d impeach Hannity if he knew how. While we’re at the media this week, we can’t forget how Warren Jeffs was discredited in court this week by a daily newspaper who took a peak at a private letter through a camera lens then splashed it on the front page. This guy is being tried in the press obviously and just lost, because some photographer snapped a pitcher and you could read his note. Now he’s considered guilty before the trial even starts. He may be. But at least let him have his trial before pronouncing him man and wife with the gurney.
I’ve watched several stories about sex offenders this week, where the homes and addresses of the accused (not convicted) are shown on the nightly news. These ogres of society (and if they are guilty they are much worse than that) are outed and hung before they even are arraigned. Guilty until proven innocent…that’s what I always say. Make them prove their innocence against lying kids who have agendas….oh wait children never lie do they, sorry forgot. Prosecutors have all the luck. Yes I have some issues…not the ones you are suspecting though.
Back to Nancy though, in all her wisdom she is conducting foreign policy on behalf of a country that didn’t elect her. She is only third in line because she holds an office the Founding Fathers thought might be useful in the event of a national major tragedy. She’ll never be president. There are amendments to the Constitution that will see to that. What I can’t figure out is where the Democrats come up with this so called mandate. The elections they won were so narrow they could have swung either way, and were based on local issues, otherwise Lieberman would have lost. So here’s what the media can do to help things along. Give Lizard Lips a book deal for a Coup. She can march into the White House while George and the Mrs. are in Texas…and plop her self down behind the desk, lick her lips and then just surrender the United States to Islam. That should do it. Nancy Pelosi committed treason today, treason today, treason today, Nancy Pelosi committed treason today, what’ll she do tomorrow? Speak at BYU commencement! Won’t Rocky be so proud!
For instance, Vice President Cheney was picked as a graduation speaker at BYU. There are protests….at BYU. Of course that’s all fermenting from Rocky Anderson mayor of Salt Lake City and his desire to impeach somebody, anybody. He’d impeach Hannity if he knew how. While we’re at the media this week, we can’t forget how Warren Jeffs was discredited in court this week by a daily newspaper who took a peak at a private letter through a camera lens then splashed it on the front page. This guy is being tried in the press obviously and just lost, because some photographer snapped a pitcher and you could read his note. Now he’s considered guilty before the trial even starts. He may be. But at least let him have his trial before pronouncing him man and wife with the gurney.
I’ve watched several stories about sex offenders this week, where the homes and addresses of the accused (not convicted) are shown on the nightly news. These ogres of society (and if they are guilty they are much worse than that) are outed and hung before they even are arraigned. Guilty until proven innocent…that’s what I always say. Make them prove their innocence against lying kids who have agendas….oh wait children never lie do they, sorry forgot. Prosecutors have all the luck. Yes I have some issues…not the ones you are suspecting though.
Back to Nancy though, in all her wisdom she is conducting foreign policy on behalf of a country that didn’t elect her. She is only third in line because she holds an office the Founding Fathers thought might be useful in the event of a national major tragedy. She’ll never be president. There are amendments to the Constitution that will see to that. What I can’t figure out is where the Democrats come up with this so called mandate. The elections they won were so narrow they could have swung either way, and were based on local issues, otherwise Lieberman would have lost. So here’s what the media can do to help things along. Give Lizard Lips a book deal for a Coup. She can march into the White House while George and the Mrs. are in Texas…and plop her self down behind the desk, lick her lips and then just surrender the United States to Islam. That should do it. Nancy Pelosi committed treason today, treason today, treason today, Nancy Pelosi committed treason today, what’ll she do tomorrow? Speak at BYU commencement! Won’t Rocky be so proud!
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